Unlonely

I never really remember feeling lonely, even here where I am often completely alone. I can easily become occupied in my thoughts - not in a brooding way - just content with my thoughts, plans and dreams. I suppose that you could say that I am a content person and its true. I count blessings and do not dwell on problems; instead I try to breezily pass them by.

I am sure that the contentment that I find with my own company is very much tied up with a childhood which would see me either sinking or swimming. I developed a self reliance that certainly saw me swimming; never sinking - only diving underwater from time to time, definitely in control.

So now you can find me walking along the beach, kicking pebbles, picking up seaglass and shells and lost in my thoughts. Even if I'm not visibly happy, the chances are that I am smiling inside.

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Returning to this piece after a few hours I have two further thoughts. The first is the reflection that the nearest that I feel to being lonely is, ironically, when I am in a large group of strangers. This is only an occasional feeling and then only fleeting.

Secondly, even though not lonely, I do crave human warmth - the touch of a hand on my arm, fingers entwined - even briefly - with my own, sitting thigh pressed to thigh, the pressure of an embrace or even a fleeting kiss. I may be unlonely but I am also uncaressed and there are times when I walk along the beach and even the brisk wind and pounding waves do not carry this thought away from me.